After almost a year in Germany, I am going home in 1 month’s time. I am experiencing a mixture of feelings — reluctance and eagerness.

I have looked upon this one year as a reprieve from my hectic life in Singapore, as I have time, a lot of time to myself, indulging in activities that I have been too busy for, in the bustling city. Reading books, surfing the internet, watching movies and vcds, walking in the park, taking photographs, writing my thoughts, and something unimaginable… simply sit back, do nothing and daydream and the list goes on. I will miss the 4 seasons, the serenely white winter, the blushing spring, vibrant summer and solemn autumn. Down to the more mundane things, the freedom to leave my mess on the floor, on the table, in the cupboard (you name it, you get it). Eating horribly cooked meals and still enjoying them as if they are platters from heaven. This time represents freedom to me. As I look back and think, I am going to lose all these. I will lose my assuring anonymity, my lack of responsibility and a small part of me, which has always yearned to break free.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to my return to my homeland. I have made plans, dreamed up fantasies, just waiting to burst free, the moment I step foot on Singapore. Whether they will succeed or fail, I can’t tell, not until I have executed them. This will be a back-to-the-reality time. To put behind me all the sweet memories of freedom and prepare to bound myself in the chains of responsibilities and burdens. Yes, I can understand that this is part and parcel of life. I am already luckier than most, having had my brief taste of the free air. What about the rest who would never have the chance to experience it like me? Are they still living their lives out to the fullest, knowing what they have missed? Right now, I am mentally preparing for the challenges that I would meet as I leave this unreal world and hurtle back to practical Singapore. I swear that I will never look back and yearn for the life here, my brief fling with freedom. I must never live in the past, as some of my friends, who would never recover from the shock of moving from tranquil studying world in Europe, back to the harsher one in the little city, does. Anyway, I can foresee that I will be kept so busy that I probably would not have the time for regrets or reminiscing.

So much for the PEP talk. Chin up, face the world, Singapore, here I come!

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