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Being Present. Being with My Loved Ones. 

Being Present. Being with My Loved Ones. 

Whenever we speak of spending time with our families, we tend to think of our children (for those of us with kiddos), we neglect to think of our parents and our grand parents. 

In the past, whenever I attended a wake of a friend’s parent or grandparent, I’d tell myself that I needed to spend more time with mine. But, I got caught up with the tidal wave of mundane matters that I forgot about this promise. And to me, it’s because they would always be there. It’s UNTHINKABLE that one day, they would not be there anymore. 

Until.. one day, my 93 year old grandmother had a stroke. The sprightly, independent, sociable lady was reduced to a mere shell of her former self overnight. From a fiercely independent being, cooking and cleaning (yes! Still! At the age of 93!), doing her morning qi gong classes with the neighbours, to one who needs help for the daily bare necessities. Not only that, the stroke affected her memory, so she is living in the present and even in the past, her memory indicator swings wildly like a pendulum. There are gaps in her memory. And this makes her fearful, suspicious, paranoid of everything and everyone. 

It’s a difficult time for everyone, including herself. She’s frustrated, embarrassed and eventually suicidal. 

It’s also extremely heartbreaking for my father. She’s been both his mother and father since he lost his father at the young age of 3 (my uncle was only 18 months old). She was the capable and unfatiguable mother who had been the permanent pillar in his life. So he makes it his duty to be always by her side, taking in her tirades and scoldings. 

I regret. I regret taking her for granted, always believing that she’ll always be up and about. Facing the possibility of another stroke which will further incapitate her mentally and physically, I suddenly realize that time is short. There’s an hourglass, somewhere, with sand streaming through the tube and time is running out. 

Is work really more important than someone who has taken care of me all my life? Is it worth spending time dealing with bad tempered, unreasonable clients who don’t care 2 hoots about who I am? Heck. Some of them don’t even remember my name! 

It’s time to take stock of my life and priorities. I don’t want to live with regrets that I haven’t done enough. And I guess it also comes with age (damn! Getting old arh!) that I don’t exactly care too much about what others (refers to people whom I don’t see more than once a year) think about me anymore. 

Enough said. Off to see my loved ones! ❤️ You too!! 

Please Let Her Remember Me.

Please Let Her Remember Me.

I haven’t been sad, really, really sad for a long, long time. Angry, yes, many times. But today is truly a sad day.

My grandmother has been hospitalised due to a stroke. The doctor classified it as a mild stroke, because she has a slightly slurred speech and her hands aren’t as nimble as they used to be.

That’s what I thought too. Until I visited her with 小小宝贝 this evening.

She asked me, “why did you rent your house out?” I simply didn’t get it. Huh?

“What are you talking about?”

It went back and forth until it suddenly occurred to me that, she’s referring to her ward. And the nurse was the maid and the guy in the next bed was the “tenant”!

“This is Changi hospital!”

“What Changi hospital? It’s your house! There’s no such hospital called Changi hospital!” (She stayed there for 1 week just a month back.)

Then she proceeded to call my son my cousin’s name. My heart sank.

“Do you know who I am?”

She looked at me in bewilderment. A part of me died. I am her favourite grandchild and she doesn’t remember me. We slept in the same bed for the first 10 years of my life. And we shared the same room until I got married. I was her everything, until my brother came along. Then both of us were her everything, with me having a bigger share.

After a long while, she finally managed to say my name. She remembered 小小宝贝.

Suddenly she asked me where my brother was.  I told her, “Germany. For work.” Her reply was, “What are you talking about? He’s in primary six!”

Her memories have been jumbled up. She mixes up the past and the present.

She played with 小小宝贝 for a while. It made her happy.

I sat there, looking at her while she was playing with him. My grandmother, who is my pillar of strength, with the most lucid mind, can’t really remember me. I know, because she asked me for.. me. I’d never thought that this can ever happen to me. This only happens in movies, dramas, but not, to me.

Today, I have lost something precious.  I hope she remembers me when I see her tomorrow.

We hugged and kissed her and told her that we loved her. She sat in her chair, smiling and waving at us as we left the ward.

Last week we had lunch with her at home and when we left, we also hugged her and kissed her and she waved good bye.

But today, she doesn’t remember me.

I realise today, that the most painful thing on Earth, is to be forgotten by the person who loved you the most.

Our recent family photo during 宝贝’s birthday celebration