My One Cent Worth of Thoughts

About a year and a half ago, it was diagnosed that I had a thyroid condition. It was a devastating piece of news as I had always considered myself a very healthy person. Also, I couldn’t accept that there was actually something wrong with me….. I was also rather upset that I hadn’t discovered it sooner as I had been staying alone for almost a year and being a rather careless person, I paid little attention to my appearance. The symptoms were all there – the sudden increase in weight (to a girl, getting fat is worse than death), the swell around the neck, the bulging of my eyes, the trembling of my hands…. Not only that, when left untreated, it was life-threatening.

Later, I discovered that it’s actually a rather common ailment as everyone started confessing to knowing an aunt, a relative or friend having it. OK.. So a lot of people out there had it as well… Oh well, at least it’s not cancer….

So I dutifully went for the ritual blood test, took the horrible medicine every day, gave up my favourite pastime – diving…. After a year, the symptoms started to subside, except for my eyes…. (So if you see someone with 2 eyeballs bulging from the sockets, that’s me). The doctor said that they may never revert back to their original position, but the condition’s improving. OK ok, I can accept that… I’ve always wanted bigger eyes, haven’t I?!

Half a year ago, the blood count went back to normal. I was estactic. I was finally back to normal. If the next blood count was normal too, then I was on the road of recovery. Everything looked so hopeful…

I just took my blood test yesterday, another big fat test tube of blood. The doctor just called to give me the bad news. Sigh… The condition has worsened and I have to increase my daily dosage…. I thought I would have been immuned to this kind of bad news after rounds and rounds of blood tests etc. But, still, I can’t help but feel depressed that after a hopeful 6 months, I’m still not well yet. Ok, and very disappointed as well…

Most of the time, I just bitch a lot on the blog. Frustrations and anger… but this must be the most depressing posting I have ever made…. (Considering that I was too (and even more) depressed the first time round to even record the outcome of my very first blood test.)

Full of anticipation and eagerness, I started on my one year’s journey to Germany. Friends and family were sad and tearful at my leaving, but as for me, I felt only a strange feeling of zest and impatience, to kick off my next chapter of life. I left them behind me, in the departure hall of Changi Airport. It seemed like yesterday, when I first set foot in Germany. Has it already been one year?

Everything went by so fast, that it became so surreal as if it had never happened before. Mainz, the dom, the meandering streets of the old town and the Rhine river, then to USA, the quiet little town in Massachusetts, the harrowing drives to Niagara, to Landshut, the Bruecke, the Christmas Market, the little shopping street which I loved so much, and then poof! I am back in Singapore. Soon I will ask myself, “Have I ever been there?”, then I will start to forget the names and faces of the people whom I have met here, then the feelings, memories……

I am going to miss all these — the quiet moments beside the river, the messy little apartment, the mindblowing bicycle rides, the solo moments to myself. Soon these will be replaced by the bustling activities of the city, dinners, movies, friends, family and slowly they will fade away. I will never come back here, as part of the town. Instead, I will be back as a visitor, an observer, detached from the people and places.

I should be intoxicated with happiness at the very thought that I am going back into the embrace of my homeland and the familar warmth of family and friends. However, strangely, I have felt a perpetual ache in my heart, since the last day of work, knowing that I will miss this town, the people and most of all, my tranquil life and brief taste of freedom. I wish that all these do not need to come to an end, but sometimes the choice is not mine.

This will be my last night in Germany. WIth this last entry, I close the page for this chapter of my life. Auf Wiedersehen!

You will miss this place,

But will it miss you?

Ah Wei

23th December 2002

Today is the last working day before a 2 weeks long holiday. Usually, last days should be a big celebration (Yep! We partied with red wine and gourmet food, in the office!!) and all. Yet, today, I felt a tinge of nostalgia. The regrets which accompany the impending departure from Germany were deeply felt. As I shook hands with half the people in the plant, wishing people a Merry Christmas (half of which were heartfelt), and received well wishes of having a safe flight back, hope to see you again etc(Which I am sure, only half of them was sincere, as well), it suddenly dawned upon me, that I would never work here as a regular staff again.

I waved goodbye to the friendly security guard and walked out of the gates. I turned and stood there for a full 5 minutes before I made a note in my heart and reminded myself that a subchapter of my life is closed.

Waiting at the bus stop, I took in the scene of a busy bustling street, people rushing around, doing last minute Christmas shopping. I simply wondered, “How many of these people have lived in this little town for their whole lives? Have they ever left this place? What kind of emotions would that stir up in their hearts?” Would I ever come back here and live as I had, again? Probably not. The bus passed by the landmarks which I have rode past on my bicycle, over the last few months. I would never ride here again. I realised that I was more sentimental than I have ever thought myself to be.

I hope I would look back on this entry, years later, and still be able to remember the passion I had once felt. I dedicate this page to everyone whom I have worked with, smiled with, in this little town, beside the Isar River.

After almost a year in Germany, I am going home in 1 month’s time. I am experiencing a mixture of feelings — reluctance and eagerness.

I have looked upon this one year as a reprieve from my hectic life in Singapore, as I have time, a lot of time to myself, indulging in activities that I have been too busy for, in the bustling city. Reading books, surfing the internet, watching movies and vcds, walking in the park, taking photographs, writing my thoughts, and something unimaginable… simply sit back, do nothing and daydream and the list goes on. I will miss the 4 seasons, the serenely white winter, the blushing spring, vibrant summer and solemn autumn. Down to the more mundane things, the freedom to leave my mess on the floor, on the table, in the cupboard (you name it, you get it). Eating horribly cooked meals and still enjoying them as if they are platters from heaven. This time represents freedom to me. As I look back and think, I am going to lose all these. I will lose my assuring anonymity, my lack of responsibility and a small part of me, which has always yearned to break free.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to my return to my homeland. I have made plans, dreamed up fantasies, just waiting to burst free, the moment I step foot on Singapore. Whether they will succeed or fail, I can’t tell, not until I have executed them. This will be a back-to-the-reality time. To put behind me all the sweet memories of freedom and prepare to bound myself in the chains of responsibilities and burdens. Yes, I can understand that this is part and parcel of life. I am already luckier than most, having had my brief taste of the free air. What about the rest who would never have the chance to experience it like me? Are they still living their lives out to the fullest, knowing what they have missed? Right now, I am mentally preparing for the challenges that I would meet as I leave this unreal world and hurtle back to practical Singapore. I swear that I will never look back and yearn for the life here, my brief fling with freedom. I must never live in the past, as some of my friends, who would never recover from the shock of moving from tranquil studying world in Europe, back to the harsher one in the little city, does. Anyway, I can foresee that I will be kept so busy that I probably would not have the time for regrets or reminiscing.

So much for the PEP talk. Chin up, face the world, Singapore, here I come!

Plagarising a part of the title of a morbid painting shown in the Alte Pinocothek in Munich, I, thus, call this little essay so.

The entire name of the painting is “Der Hoellesturz der Verdammt!”, literally meaning, the fall to hell of the damned. Painted against a dark background with a red undertone, it depicted a scene from hell. Gruesome creatures, with horns on their backs and heads, sank their sharp teeth into the flesh of the fat succlent flesh of the struggling humans. They used to be the rich and powerful in the human world, but now, they were subjected to horrors that they could never have imagined. As to whether it was for eternity or not, I am not too sure, due to a shallow understanding of the religion.

Upon seeing this painting, memories of stories and photographs of the Nazi concentration camp, that I had visited that morning, flashed across my mind. To the prisoners in the camp, the tortures and ordeals seemed like eternity. In fact, death in itself was a form of release for them, for the living hell, which they were in. What gives a human meaning and hope in life, is a goal. However, they could not see the light at the end of the dark, neverending tunnel and their lives before this dreary reality were just dreams.

“You do not have human rights, are worthless and dirty. You are a pile of shit and will be treated as one!“ — one of the nazi officers (*SS) at the Dachau concentration camp. There, humans were treated as animals. In the camps, the SS were the law there. Every single prisoner’s fate was laid solely in their hands. The tales of the mindless killings, the sadistic punishments drove horror and disbelief into every modern visitor’s heart. Horror stories, one after another, were recounted. It was hard to believe that all these actually existed in the 20th century.

The formation of the Nazi Germany seemed too dramatic to me. The political party, National Socialist German Worker’s Party (NSDAP) wielded the power and the prominent politicians from opposing parties strangely disappeared or died under unexplained circumstances. Every single channel of the media was controlled and used as a tool for propaganda spreading. The amazing thing was every citizen at that time, believed strongly in the policies of the government and fought with their sweat and blood in the war. Any antigovernment element was thrown into concentration camps, overnight, without a trial. Effectively, the Nazis had absolute control of the country.

On the walls, photographs showed the condition of the camp after its liberation by the American troops. One particular photograph caught my eye and would be engraved in my memory forever. Piles and piles of human corpses were lying on top of each other haphazardly. The images of opened eyes, unseeing and unfeeling, limbs sprawled in unnatural positions, tattered and rotting clothes on the decomposed bodies, white faces, thin and scrawny bodies starved to the point of death, replayed themselves over and over again in my mind. According to the description, they found 4 such rooms in the camp, corpses stacked together like firewood.

I am not sure if my description is good enough for you to imagine that scene, but you will have to be there to experience the waves of disgust and sadness sweeping over you. Although I have read about the horrors of the wars, but I could never have imagined the feelings it stirred when I saw them with my own eyes. Perhaps, I have lived in too sheltered a world and these are a lifetime away from me.

It is unimaginable for me to believe that people who lived just a few decades before me were manipulated to the extent of committing crimes without consciences and qualms? George Orwell’s animal farm does not only hold the truth for the Russian politics, but a reality for all times. Human beings remain true to their nature from the day they have been created. This brings me back to the context of Singapore. We are ruled by a one party government. So far, generally, it is doing very well for the country, the right kind of investments (Well, most of the time!) and the ideal type of policies. As it is doing very well, the opposition parties are seldom supported. Coincidentally, all the anti government individuals were ousted from the country, or they might have to spend the best parts of their lives on an island. Of course, the media stand on their own, therefore how is it possible for them to be controlled by the government, bearing in mind that one belongs to the national television corporation and the other the national newspaper. What a lot of competition…. It scares me sometimes to think, how perfect my country is, or is it really so perfect? Have I already been brainwashed by propaganda? This I can never be sure…. But like every normal person out there, I believe in my close to perfect world.

*SS – SchutzStaffel (Protection Squad)

~~~ My One Cent Worth of Thoughts!! ~~~

A few days ago, I emailed my friend on some of the thoughts and feelings I had, over the years, about our friendship. I have finally mustered enough guts to write and I have never written a more truthful letter in my whole life. I waited and waited, there was no reply. Has she taken offence in what I had said? So, sighing, I dropped her a one liner, telling her to give me a short mail, at least to tell me what she thought about my confessions? I waited for a reply, not daring to hope.

Today, I received it. She laughed at how silly I was. We are friends and always will be.

~~~ Memories are to be cherished. ~~~

Today I received an email from my friend. “I am not sure why, but I keep thinking of my childhood days, unconsciously.”

I am sure that everyone does, especially in a time like this. The ever present recession for the last 5 years, the fear of loss of job and stability (or even, have already lost the job), responsibilities – to your family (well to almost everyone in the world) and everyone is pressurizing you to get married, if you have not, if you have, well, to have children! This is a never-ending story. Some people choose to hide in their make believe world of nonchalance, while some of us take refuge in our sunny childhood memories.

Once in a while, I pull my memories out of the box, dust them a little, and flip through them carefully. Whether they have been happy or sad, they have made me what I am today. Therefore, my greatest fear would be to lose them, bit by bit, to time…. As compared to now, the biggest problem that I had during my schooldays was so trivial and yet, so important at that point of time. My whole world revolved around examinations, BGR and competitions. It was small, contained and carefree.

I have wished for umpteen times that I should have studied harder for the examinations, for Singapore is an academically governed society. Employers judge you according to the class of honours that you have obtained. But, what is life without friends and play?! Well, I only remember the times I spent having fun anyway. I have great pity for the people, who shuttle between the lecture theatre (sometimes to the library too) and home. I just wonder what kind of things have they filled their memory chests with? Images of the lecturers (puke) or books or examination papers (Shiver)??? Sometimes, I even thought, “Hey! What would have happened if I had followed my heart instead of my head?” But I will never know, because all these are just “what ifs”.

Memories of these days will never fade from my mind. How I wish that life will always remain so simple.