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Category: Deep Thoughts

Seriousness I experience once in a while.

When there’s a Rainbow in your Heart

When there’s a Rainbow in your Heart

I had drafted out a nasty piece to vent my unhappiness over a recent incident. But I deleted it. It’s a pity because I was quite impressed with my English.  Somehow my language level shoots up when I get mad. I’ve never realised that I’ve such a huge vocabulary of swear words and flowery descriptive phrases stored in my brain. 😂

Then I figured, why should I let it affect me? Leave a blemish in my blog that serves as a memory of an abhorrent person who’s just a passerby in my journey of life, just like the cockroach which scuttled across my kitchen floor. 

Every day, there are bits and pieces of events that don’t necessarily go according to my preferences. And if I keep holding the grudge that everyone else is luckier than I am, other people’s cups are always fuller, everyone out there is waiting for the opportunity to backstab me and everything that has gone wrong is always other people’s fault and not mine, then I’ll be a very sorry existence of a human being. 

I look at my life. I have a wonderful family and a bunch of supportive friends. That’s enough. As long as you have a rainbow 🌈 in your heart, you will see rainbows everywhere. Even on the balcony floor. 😂 And you’ll find the pot of gold that’s at the end of it. (Yes. I’m a huge fan of fairy tales!)


But if one’s eyes are smeared with excretion, then everything one sees will be coated with a layer of *hold nose*. This group of people don’t need help to bring agony into their lives, they just need to look into the mirror. 

So, my philosophy is to live well and love much! 😍

It’s a NO WORK Day!

It’s a NO WORK Day!

This morning, I decided that TODAY would be a NO WORK day. No office email, no thinking of work (ok ok, I made some work calls and messages, but really short ones!).

Morning – did my chores at home. Accompanied my grandmother to her rehabiliative care, had lunch with her, chit chatted with her and sat with her until she fell asleep.

Afternoon – listened to Mr. Talkative (aka 小小宝贝) tell me about his day at school, how he made his Vacuum cleaner gun (ya, another one of his numerous inventions. This one sucked up bad people.) with his best friend, ran him through his Shichida exercises and other brain training puzzles (which were languishing in neglect because I was too busy), practised his Yamaha music stuff with him. When 宝贝 came back from school, supervised her homework.

Evening – Rode through the park connectors with 小小宝贝 (shortened my life by a few years because of how he rode along the busy roads), while Miss 宝贝 preferred to play with her friends (Sigh! 女大不中留).

Night – Patted both of them while listening to them whisper sweet nothings to me, telling me how much they love me. Finally, I got to read my book. My new year’s resolution (every year!) was to reduce my pile of “Want to read, but no time to read” books.

It’s been a long time. And I kind of like it. Say… I really can get used to a life like that! Maybe it’s time to give it some serious consideration….🤔

Goings – Another One…

Goings – Another One…

12 April 2017

This post probably won’t be published until sometime in June…. The last time I wrote such a post  was back in 2013.

When a person has been in a sales organisation long enough (13 years), it is inevitable that I will see colleagues coming and going.

But what makes this person special is that she has been there, with me, all the way since I joined the company. We have been through thick and thin, (cliche as it sounds but it’s true!), weathered the restructuring, the departures of our closely bonded colleagues, been on happy holidays and yes, today she told me that she’s leaving.

I wasn’t shocked but I was kind of sad. I felt a little abandoned… Sometimes she’s a little naggy (haha, I know you are reading this!) but she means well for me. She has a kind heart, giving spirit and I know that I can always depend on her for support and not backstab me. That speaks for huge volumes in a sales organisation!

Perhaps, this time, the sea is rougher than it was in the last storm and it wouldn’t calm down for a long while. And I know that I wouldn’t be able to convince her to stay.  Because to leave a place, where a person had stayed for the last 14 years takes a lot of courage and determination.

Although, I’m still a little depressed (and abandoned!), I wish her all the best for the next exciting chapter of her life! Jia you!!!!

 

 

Being Present. Being with My Loved Ones. 

Being Present. Being with My Loved Ones. 

Whenever we speak of spending time with our families, we tend to think of our children (for those of us with kiddos), we neglect to think of our parents and our grand parents. 

In the past, whenever I attended a wake of a friend’s parent or grandparent, I’d tell myself that I needed to spend more time with mine. But, I got caught up with the tidal wave of mundane matters that I forgot about this promise. And to me, it’s because they would always be there. It’s UNTHINKABLE that one day, they would not be there anymore. 

Until.. one day, my 93 year old grandmother had a stroke. The sprightly, independent, sociable lady was reduced to a mere shell of her former self overnight. From a fiercely independent being, cooking and cleaning (yes! Still! At the age of 93!), doing her morning qi gong classes with the neighbours, to one who needs help for the daily bare necessities. Not only that, the stroke affected her memory, so she is living in the present and even in the past, her memory indicator swings wildly like a pendulum. There are gaps in her memory. And this makes her fearful, suspicious, paranoid of everything and everyone. 

It’s a difficult time for everyone, including herself. She’s frustrated, embarrassed and eventually suicidal. 

It’s also extremely heartbreaking for my father. She’s been both his mother and father since he lost his father at the young age of 3 (my uncle was only 18 months old). She was the capable and unfatiguable mother who had been the permanent pillar in his life. So he makes it his duty to be always by her side, taking in her tirades and scoldings. 

I regret. I regret taking her for granted, always believing that she’ll always be up and about. Facing the possibility of another stroke which will further incapitate her mentally and physically, I suddenly realize that time is short. There’s an hourglass, somewhere, with sand streaming through the tube and time is running out. 

Is work really more important than someone who has taken care of me all my life? Is it worth spending time dealing with bad tempered, unreasonable clients who don’t care 2 hoots about who I am? Heck. Some of them don’t even remember my name! 

It’s time to take stock of my life and priorities. I don’t want to live with regrets that I haven’t done enough. And I guess it also comes with age (damn! Getting old arh!) that I don’t exactly care too much about what others (refers to people whom I don’t see more than once a year) think about me anymore. 

Enough said. Off to see my loved ones! ❤️ You too!! 

Car Rides with the Little Ones! I Love THEM!

Car Rides with the Little Ones! I Love THEM!

“How do you know whom she has recess with every day? And that she plays badminton during recess?!” the Hub asked in surprise.

“Of course! I asked her when I drove her to school.  Don’t you talk to her when you drive her to school every day?! You have already driven her for half a year!!” The hub is 宝贝’s regular chauffeur, aka taxi driver. I took over as the relief driver when he had to go overseas for a business trip.

“No leh… Both of us are very tired in the morning. So we just listen to the music on the radio… ”

Well, I LOVE car rides to bits!

I have been chauffeuring my 宝贝s to classes, because my job has more flexibility with regards to working hours. (However, that means that I can practically work round the clock! I often go back to the office at 6pm in the evenings, after dropping the kids home after classes.)

I have always believed in interacting with them even when they were babies. (Ok. I admit that I’m Miss Talkative!) Even before they started talking, I would carry on monologues with them in the car, while I drove. They would be able to reply in their own baby talk, even though they were not able to form words yet. Or we would sing nursery rhymes together (they chimed along in their baby language) as we sped down the expressways.

When they get older, they would tell me what happened in schools and what they have been doing at home.  Even my 小小宝贝 would actively participate with his limited vocabulary. It’s hilarious to hear his descriptions and he often surprises me with new words, which he’s probably picked up from here and there.

This is the best time for parent-child bonding, when we are enclosed within the space, when we are in “a world of our own”. In the car, she tells me who her BFFAE (for the uninitiated ones, it means Best Friend Forever And Ever) is, who her BFF (Best Friend Forever, yes… there IS a differentiation.) is, who the naughty kids in school are, what her aspirations are, how many times her little brother hit her, how proud she is of her small little achievements. It is also during these car rides, when she learns to ask me about others, how great-grandmother is, when she will be discharged from the hospital, what I did for assembly when I was in primary school and more.

So, if you think ferrying your children around is a waste of your time, think again. Time is never wasted if you know how to utilise it. We were on this topic during this morning’s car ride (yes… the Hub is on business trip again…).

She queued twice to get 2 plates of chicken rice because she was hungry after devouring one plate (I have no idea where all these extra food went on her skinny frame) and she didn’t have time to go to the library or play badminton because of that. So today, she’s just going to queue once and buy a bigger portion.

So, I tell her, during the car rides, that my aspiration is to be her BFFAEAE! (must be one up from the BFFAE!)


 

Uprooting Myself After Many Good Years…

Uprooting Myself After Many Good Years…

I have always been toying with the idea of getting my own domain name.  Because, technically speaking, if one day, WordPress decides to terminate my account with them, all my writings, pictures, videos which I have posted since 2002 (Yes… I have been blogging for 14 years! Albeit on and off though… I was one of the pioneer bloggers who have gone nowhere. LOL!) will be gone!

Excuses, procrastination, everything that you can think of.  Finally, I have done it! I have got myself a domain, a webhost and migrated the whole website over.  Believe me, the migration was as bad as moving a house where you have lived in for last 12 years.  It was PAINFUL. Maybe because I was very cheapo, I did everything myself and refused to pay a fee to migrate the information.  It took me one whole day! It’s also because I am terribly noob at the technology. So instead of paying movers, I figuratively moved my “furniture”,  “boxes”, “belongings” all by myself  (and I’m only 5 feet tall… ).

So my new “house” is ready (well, kind of…) with the bare walls. I’ll maneuver myself through the tech part to beautify it later. So, yes, the new site works but just not too awesome looking (with my noob skills it’ll at most be so-so lah!) unless I pay a pro to jazz it up. Then again, that wouldn’t be me anymore. Let’s look beyond the physical beauty and go for the content. 😜

Come visit me at my new place www.myonecentthoughts.com!

Please Let Her Remember Me.

Please Let Her Remember Me.

I haven’t been sad, really, really sad for a long, long time. Angry, yes, many times. But today is truly a sad day.

My grandmother has been hospitalised due to a stroke. The doctor classified it as a mild stroke, because she has a slightly slurred speech and her hands aren’t as nimble as they used to be.

That’s what I thought too. Until I visited her with 小小宝贝 this evening.

She asked me, “why did you rent your house out?” I simply didn’t get it. Huh?

“What are you talking about?”

It went back and forth until it suddenly occurred to me that, she’s referring to her ward. And the nurse was the maid and the guy in the next bed was the “tenant”!

“This is Changi hospital!”

“What Changi hospital? It’s your house! There’s no such hospital called Changi hospital!” (She stayed there for 1 week just a month back.)

Then she proceeded to call my son my cousin’s name. My heart sank.

“Do you know who I am?”

She looked at me in bewilderment. A part of me died. I am her favourite grandchild and she doesn’t remember me. We slept in the same bed for the first 10 years of my life. And we shared the same room until I got married. I was her everything, until my brother came along. Then both of us were her everything, with me having a bigger share.

After a long while, she finally managed to say my name. She remembered 小小宝贝.

Suddenly she asked me where my brother was.  I told her, “Germany. For work.” Her reply was, “What are you talking about? He’s in primary six!”

Her memories have been jumbled up. She mixes up the past and the present.

She played with 小小宝贝 for a while. It made her happy.

I sat there, looking at her while she was playing with him. My grandmother, who is my pillar of strength, with the most lucid mind, can’t really remember me. I know, because she asked me for.. me. I’d never thought that this can ever happen to me. This only happens in movies, dramas, but not, to me.

Today, I have lost something precious.  I hope she remembers me when I see her tomorrow.

We hugged and kissed her and told her that we loved her. She sat in her chair, smiling and waving at us as we left the ward.

Last week we had lunch with her at home and when we left, we also hugged her and kissed her and she waved good bye.

But today, she doesn’t remember me.

I realise today, that the most painful thing on Earth, is to be forgotten by the person who loved you the most.

Our recent family photo during 宝贝’s birthday celebration
Journaling 

Journaling 

I unearthed a forgotten trove of journals when I was trying to locate one of my old travel journals to plan for my next holiday! 


I marveled at how legible my handwriting was! 😁 Back in 1998! Now, it has been reduced to a scrawl, though not quite up to the standard of the “Doctor font” yet. (Sigh! It goes to show that no matter how badly I write, I don’t have the potential to be a doctor. Oh well!)

I posted the picture in FB and some very wonderful friends praised my ex-handwriting. Ok! For that, I’ll endeavour to improve my current standard!! 

Some others were surprised that I actually kept journals. Yes! I did and I still do (very sporadically now). I’m still quite old school. I need to scribble on something for my ideas to take shape. 

I used to write in my diaries every day. When I go through them now, memories come back to me and yet they felt like a few lifetimes away. Those were part of me and yet, there’s no way I can write like that now. Not at this point of my life, with the current state of mind. I kind of miss the old me, with a naive set of idealism and can-do attitude (to the point of being “ti ki”). Ah! How nice it was, to be young, to have the “anything can be done” 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼, the silly squabbles, the shallow crushes. 

Looking back now, it seems that I had a whole lot more fun than what I have right now. It’s a chore to be a grown up! But at least I’ve had my good old wild days! Been there, done that!

Maybe, just maybe, one day, I can make the choice to unshackle myself from the mundane responsibilities and liabilities and be wild again?! But by then, already become old auntie already leh. Sigh…!

Everyone should start journaling! You will be surprised to read what you are writing now, 20 years later! It’s like recovering parts of your life. 😜

*ti ki – hokkien for metal teeth. Aka persistent. 

My Sweet Valentine! 

My Sweet Valentine! 

Look what I’ve found underneath my pillow! 

  
Given to me by my Sweet Valentine! But I can’t open it til 14th Feb. 😂😂😂

When I asked her about it, she coyly whispered, “Mommy, it’s a SECRET!”  

Little things like these brighten up my days. 

My lovely 宝贝, if you happen to read this one fine day, I just want to tell you, “I love you lots and lots!!” 😘😘😘